Does your mom ask you to do everything for her? I here it said all the time “mom asks me to do everything for her”! I know it can me maddening, however, when you say everything do you really mean everything or just most things? I mean your mom did raise you and paid your bills for most of your life. Well, I guess that is if you had a good mom.
If your mom is good, she probably cares about you and wishes you well. So if she occasionally asks you for favors I would say don’t fret too much and go ahead and help her. However, if things become obnoxious or she asks you too many things and becomes too controlling or demanding, it is time to set some limits and boundaries.
I know that many parents are codependent. They cannot see the difference between themselves and their children. They live through their children. They feel that a child is betraying them by going about their life in a way which makes them happy and not asking permission for everything from the parents.
I know that most mothers who are too demanding or demeaning of their children tend to be codependent and narcissistic. Some of them may also be depressed or going through menopause. However, although your mom might be going through some tough struggles of her own, that is no reason to allow her to abuse you and take over your life.
If your mother really loves you and cares about you, she will also respect you enough not to ask you to do the things that you are not comfortable with. She will allow you to be an adult and have your own life. She will honor your boundaries.
Often times therapy is recommended for this type of situation. If you talk to your mom about this issue and she does not change her behavior, your next step would be to offer to attend therapy with her. It is good if she accepts the offer because this means that she is willing to work on the issue.
Please keep in mind that therapy does not always resolve the issue and often times does not work to change the actions of your mother. Only she has the power to acknowledge her wrong doing and change her behavior for the better. Some mothers will go to therapy just to pretend that they are interested in making changes. However, often times this might be done as a sly tactic to get you off her back and to question the therapist’s authority.
Often times when a controlling mother enters therapy with you she does not believe that she is in the wrong to begin with. More often than not it is nearly impossible to convince a crazy person of the fact that they are crazy. The chances are literally one in a million, lol. However, if you want to have a healthy relationship with your overbearing crazy making mother then you should definitely give therapy a shot. If it does not work you can get therapy for your self and figure out how to set boundaries so that you are not too much affected by your mother’s insanity.
If your mother is a narcissist, she will likely make the therapy session all about her. She will likely be able to get the therapist on her side and you will have trouble getting a word in edgewise. If this happens and your mother succeeds in this victim act, then your next step would be to un-invite your mother to the therapy sessions and switch therapists. Once a therapist is corrupted, it might be hard for them to stay objective when counseling you.
At the end of the day, while your mother raised you and you owe her thanks for that, no one has the right to make your life miserable. No one can make your life miserable for long unless you let them usually. This is especially true in a situation like this.
In the more extreme situations I know that some children have had to move out and hide their address, employment information, and phone number from their mother. It is also important not to succumb to guilt trips and threats. You are an adult and your mother has no power to force you to do anything you do not want to. Do not let her boss you around and rule your life. You deserve to be happy. Put yourself first. I know some mothers will try to make you feel selfish for taking care of your own needs. However, it is not selfish, it is healthy to put yourself first. After all, if you do not take care of yourself and feel miserable then you cannot take care of anyone else. Anyone who loves you will understand that you have needs too and will want you to take care of those needs. Anyone who cares about you will not ask you to constantly put their needs about yours.